Dating Advice for Communists
A Q&A on dating for the proletariat; or, if Delilah wanted to overthrow the class system.
After announcing yesterday that shitstack is now a Marxist publication, the author was inundated with questions about love and romance from the proletariat. Today, he responds in the first edition of ‘Dear Chairman Matt.’
Comrades:
I was delighted by the influx of support regarding the decision to declare shitstack a Marxist newsletter in the footnotes of yesterday’s article. This publication will now be fully dedicated to the overthrow of the class system and private property,1 and deliberations by the committee are underway to rename it to something more appropriate like Pravda. Long live the proletariat and death to the bourgeoisie!
Many of the letters I received yesterday from comrades across the globe contained questions requesting advice. As self-appointed party Chairman, and in continuing efforts to make this publication useful to its Marxist audience, I believe it is my duty to be of service to the people by fielding answers.2
Among the themes raised in the letters were the proper methods of harvesting wheat and other cereal grains for cultivation (25%), best practices for subverting counter revolution at the provincial level (10%), and general grievances with the quality of food provided at Arby’s (5%). However, the overwhelming majority of questions regarded matters of love and relationships. It seems dating is also under siege by the capitalist regime.
Below, I've chosen the most representative questions to answer for a wider COMINTERN audience.
Ronald, 33
Q: Dear Chairman Matt, I’m unsure if my girlfriend is a true-believing communist. She runs a small franchise of popular burger restaurants, and though she insists she’ll liquidate after revolution, I’m worried she won’t follow through. Every time I bring up the topic, she gets purple in the face. What should I do?
Thank you for your question, comrade Ronald. I regret to inform you that your girlfriend is not only a capitalist, but also Grimace from the popular McDonald’s franchise. It is best to cut ties with her and begin a liaison with a true champion of the working man, the Hamburglar. All private hamburgers are theft and should be redistributed to the people.
Sonya, 29
Q: Dear Chairman Matt, last week, the secret police deported my husband to a labor camp. I feel like I should be upset, but I’m actually relieved that he’s gone. Am I a bad person?
How many husbands go out for a carton of milk and get deported to Siberia? Not enough.
Samir, 19
Q: Dear Chairman Matt, I’m trying to figure out if this anarchist girl likes me. At party meetings, she always smiles and says, “Hello, comrade Samir!” How can I get her to like me without getting comrade-zoned?
Like a creepy Russian doll, a woman has many layers. You’ll have to get to know her better to see if she likes you. Along the way, try to demonstrate your value as a communist party member by referencing the leadership frequently and emphasizing your dedication to building a classless, stateless, and moneyless society.
Suggested dates:
Take a road trip to Uchkuduk, Uzbekistan.
Situated in the desert north of the Navoiy region, this Uzbek settlement features a park with some grass and one or two benches as well a pair of suspicious neighbors to chaperone your date. The kiosk in the town center has all your favorites: Herzegovina Flor cigarettes and vodka strong enough to fuel your Volga GAZ-24 sedan.
Visit beautiful Tiraspol in Transnistria around early spring.
An unrecognized breakaway state in Moldova3, Transnistria is an often-overlooked destination for romantic getaways. Tired of LA traffic? You can ride a Soviet-era bus through Tiraspol, the capital of Transnistria. Bored of NYC dining? Have a delectable three-course meal for only $0.75 USD, rated three-stars by the Molotov Guide. Cabbage, yum!
Gun and bulletproof vest suggested. Author assumes no liability.4
Recommended topics of conversation:
Overthrowing the class system.
Finance capital.
Plots against enemies of the revolution.
Figure 1: A Soviet tour Eiffel.
Pavel, 41
Q: Dear Chairman Matt, I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my fiancé since 2017. Every month, I beg to visit her in Bucharest, but she just asks me to wire more money for the wedding. Does she love me?
If she’s interested in the re-allocation of capital resources, just focus on yourself, bro.
However, the problem is with both your fiancé and your dependence on finance capital. While simping to the structures of capitalism, you could’ve executed an entire five-year plan to eradicate wage slavery. Instead, all you’ve managed to do is enslave yourself.
Juan, 24
Q: Dear Chairman Matt, I’m trying to get my girlfriend into this whole communism thing, where do I start?
You embark on the righteous and noble path, Juan. It can be difficult to convince a capitalist to embrace the tenants of Marxism overnight. I recommend taking it slow and gentle. Patience is important in these matters, so perhaps introduce her to Nordic socialism first. Then, slip in a loose copy of The Communist Manifesto as light reading. When you’re both ready, go all in at the national party congress.
As long as you treat her foray into communism like an*l, she’ll get right on board. And soon enough, you’ll be getting f****d in ass too.5
Rather than only on a part-time basis, as this publication previously was.
In addition to this newsletter’s significant communist readership, a sizable minority of Mormon readers remain loyal to shitstack. I will continue to provide high-quality reportage to this audience. Long live both Joseph Smith and Joseph Stalin!
Unrecognized by the corrupt West, Transnistria is recognized by three other unrecognized or partially unrecognized breakaway states: Abkhazia, Artsakh and South Ossetia. I recommend all three for kindling a new romance.
You know what? I take it back. Better red than dead. I assume all liability!
With this gory metaphor, the author wildly pivoted his views to rock-hard libertarianism and considered charging subscription fees for this newsletter to fund a campaign legalizing child labor. Realizing this may put him into contact with annoying children, he abandoned all political beliefs and ate some ice cream.